Shaunti and Jeff Feldhan did some very compelling research into men and women’s perspectives in marriage, and they asked this simple question to the men in their study:

“What’s the one thing that you wish your wife/significant other knew, but you feel you can’t explain to her or tell her?”

Can you guess?

Overwhelmingly, the top response was:

How Much I Love Her.

(If you are curious about the #1 Thing Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew, check it out here.)

Perhaps the top insecurity women have in marriage- the latent insecurity about whether or not he really  loves her- is the one thing he wants her to know.

This is so critical for women to know! We are so insecure about this!

When this insecurity is triggered, wives often respond in ways that confuse or dismay their husbands. A simple reassurance of a husband’s love for her goes a long way to help.

Take a look at some of Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn’s research on this in For Men Only. These are 3 things that surprised them (Excerpts are from the book For Men Only):

1. First Surprise- How Frequent These Feelings Are

“Under what circumstances do you think about your relationship, whether it is going well, or how your husband/significant other feels about you? (Choose one answer)”

RESULTS:

• 19%   It’s something I’m conscious of most of the time
• 50%   It’s often/occasionally in the back of my mind.
• 20%   Only when we are in a really difficult season in our relationship
• 12%   Never

2. Second Surprise- How Intensely Painful These Feelings Are

These feelings can really affect women in visible ways.

“When you are feeling insecure about his love or the relationship, which of the following are true about your feelings? (Choose all correct answers):”

RESULTS

• 44% I need reassurance
• 20% I might become quite preoccupied until I get that reassurance.
• 32% I withdraw emotionally.
• 28% I become depressed.
• 34% It affects other areas of my life

Total answering one or more of the above: 74%

• 10% It confirms my suspicion that I’m not very lovable or not worthy of his love.
• 26% I feel I’m not valued in his eyes.
• 9%  Nothing helps; I just need time to process alone.

Total answering one or more of above: 82%

• 18% I never feel insecure about his love or the relationship.

3. Third Surprise- How Resistant to “Logic” Her Feelings Remain

Even though it is contrary to logic, “Even women in good relationships feel that they could be a just a few bad blowups away from losing their man’s love” (page 34).

“In an emotional conflict, if your husband/significant other initiates a step to reassure you of his love, how much does it help diminish any turmoil you are feeling? (Choose one answer)”

RESULTS

• 5% Not at all
• 34% Some
• 54% Quite a lot
• 8% It solves it.

Wive’s Insecurity; Husband’s Heart

This very thing that causes so much insecurity in women is the very thing men most with they knew.

Here are some of the responses they got from their initial question to men

“What’s the one thing that you wish your wife/significant other knew, but you feel you can’t explain to her or tell her?”

• After so many years, I hope my wife knows that she is the best hope in my life. We don’t have everything we desire material-wise, but there is so much more to life than that. I hope my wife knows that I love her and cherish our friendship, forever.
• How much I love and appreciate her
• How much I love her
• How happy she makes me even when I’m stressed or down about something else.
• How much I really care.
• How much I truly do care for her and love her and the kids.
• How much she means to me.
• I love her and only her. It doesn’t matter that our relationship isn’t perfect- my love for her is so deep that nothing can break it.

What About You?

What would you want your wife to know? Share in the comments below and share it with her (or just tell her).

Want More Like This?

This blog is designed to encourage you to engage deeply in the things that matter most to you, embrace wholly the relationships you treasure, and delight lavishly in the mundane and momentous of life. Take a look at some others:

• The #1 Thing Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew
• Love and Respect Make or Break your Marriage
• Who Talks More, Men or Women?
• Why Won’t He Ask for Directions?

My information in this blog came from Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahns’ research in For Men Only and For Women Only.

I don’t get any kickbacks for saying so, but I would highly recommend their books.