Through blessing, we communicate God’s heart about the inherent worth and value of every individual we bless. The absence of blessing in a person’s life leaves a void where love, acceptance, and emotional connection should reside.
The Ultimate End: The Father Lifting them Up into All They Are as His Beloved Sons and Daughters
Usually extended by a parent or loving adult to a child, the blessing ultimately aids a child to be able to see God as their Heavenly Father, loving lifting them up into all He created them to be. It shields them from an orphan mindset and creates space in their spirit for sonship in the Kingdom of God and an inner knowing that they are fully and freely accepted as a son or daughter of the King.
Shame Deterrent, Orphan Mindset Defense
The blessing is a deterrent against shame taking hold, leading to bondage in all kinds of addictions that allure someone into thinking this will fill that void. It also protects against distortions of Who the Heavenly Father is, which can lead to all kinds of pain, misconceptions about God, and an orphan mindset. In short, this gift is like armor from the inside that we can give our children (and others).
Promotes A Healthy Love Style
When people don’t receive the blessing, they often struggle with being a secure connector, and often develop an unhealthy love style pattern that leaves them in hurtful relationship patterns, not finding the support and comfort that God designed for safe relationship to nourish.
Detached or Devoted?
Often whether one receives the blessing or not determines whether they live a life detached from their own identity and meaningful relationship or devoted to their own unique God-tailored identity and purpose in life. This results in either resting in who one is and enjoying the journey of their life or living in all out pursuit of what they missed- looking and longing for it, or resigning to its absence and seeking to numb and escape.
Trent and Smalley define different ways missing out on the blessing can show up later in life:
- The Seekers: Searching for intimacy but not able to receive it.
- The Shattered: Deeply troubled and withdrawn, bound by fear, anxiety, and depression
- The Smotherers: Sucking up all the life and energy they can from those close to them
- The Angry: Chained to their parents by their anger over missing the blessing
- The Detached: Protecting themselves from further loss, keeping others at arms length
- The Driven: Seeking to earn love and affection by accomplishment and perfection
- The Deluded: Pursuing counterfeit blessings like achievement or social status
- The Seduced: Trying to meet legitimate needs in illegitimate ways
What is the Blessing?
It is such a powerful, life-giving gift. But what is it really? John Trent and Gary Smalley write about the longing every person has to receive the blessing in life in their book, The Blessing: Giving the Gift of Unconditional Love and Acceptance. They define blessing as being composed of 5 key elements:
- Meaningful and appropriate touch: Physical touch is a powerful way to communicate love, acceptance, and connection. A meaningful touch can be a gentle hand on the shoulder, a warm embrace, or even holding someone’s hand. It signifies a sense of presence, comfort, and support. This tactile element of a blessing helps the recipient feel acknowledged and valued.
- A spoken message: Words play a crucial role in conveying a blessing. A spoken message consists of affirming, encouraging, and uplifting words that express love, acceptance, and belief in the person’s worth and potential. The message may include specific compliments, words of praise, and expressions of admiration for their unique qualities. It provides emotional validation and helps build a positive self-image.
- Attaching high value to the one being blessed: This element of a blessing involves communicating to the recipient that they are deeply valued and cherished. It goes beyond simply appreciating their accomplishments or abilities. It emphasizes their inherent worth as an individual, emphasizing that they are loved and accepted unconditionally. This recognition of their value enhances their self-esteem and fosters a sense of belonging.
- Picturing a special future for him or her: A blessing casts a vision of a positive and hopeful future for the recipient. It involves helping them see their potential, dreams, and aspirations. By envisioning a special future, a blessing encourages the person to pursue their goals, embrace their passions, and overcome obstacles. It instills confidence and motivation, enabling them to strive for their full potential.
- An active commitment to fulfill the blessing: An active commitment is a vital element of a blessing. It entails a sincere and genuine dedication to support, guide, and be there for the recipient throughout their journey. This commitment involves providing assistance, encouragement, and guidance whenever needed. It demonstrates a willingness to invest time, effort, and resources into the person’s well-being and success. The active commitment component of a blessing creates a sense of security, trust, and stability.
These elements create an atmosphere of love, acceptance, and support, fostering healthy relationships and emotional well-being. The combination of meaningful touch, spoken messages, attaching high value, picturing a special future, and an active commitment helps foster healthy relationships, emotional well-being, and personal growth.
What Happens When The Blessing is Withheld?
When the blessing is withheld, individuals may experience a range of negative consequences. Without meaningful touch, they may feel a lack of connection, physical warmth, and comfort, leading to a sense of isolation. The absence of a spoken message denies them affirming and encouraging words, contributing to feelings of self-doubt, inadequacy, and even self-hatred. When high value is not attached to them, they may struggle with a diminished sense of worth and struggle to develop a healthy understanding of their identity in the Lord. The absence of a vision for a special future can leave them feeling directionless, unmotivated, and uncertain about their purpose in life. Finally, the absence of an active commitment denies them the support, guidance, and emotional stability that comes from knowing they are not alone in their journey. As a result, individuals may experience emotional pain, relational difficulties, and a diminished sense of overall well-being. Smalley and Trent discuss these consequences:
- Learned hopelessness
- Chronic pessimism
- Lonely withdrawal
Redeemed Blessing
If you haven’t yet extended the gift of the blessing to your own children- as long as you both are alive, there is still opportunity. Take a step toward it today. If someone you love hasn’t received it, prayerful extension of blessing through you could be a healing gift. Ask the Lord His heart over the person and communicate what He leads you to. It can be life-changing.
If you feel you missed out on the blessing, you could honestly and lovingly share how you feel with those in your life who could extend it (See p195-197 of The Blessing for a respectful, prayerful example of how this could be done but know this is not fitting in all circumstances and honesty without love can push people further away). You can also seek to understand as much as possible about your parents’ backgrounds. Often they are hurting for the blessing, too.
Ultimate Redemption of The Blessing
Ultimately, all earthy blessing is a shadow of the ultimate, eternal blessing God extends to us every breath we take. The longing we have can only fully be met in the One who will never forsake us, let us down, or run out of energy to listen to us and pursue us with His love and delight in us.
He offers the secure connection, stable relationship, unconditional love, unfailing kindness, and permanent presence that even the best, most well-meaning parent will fall short of.
27 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. 28 I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.
John 10:27-28
18 Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. …And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
Matthew 28:18, 20b
“Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you.”[a]6 So we say with confidence,
“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
Hebrews 13:5b-6
What can mere mortals do to me?”[b]
The Lord binds up our wounds, carries our pain, and heals us from the inside out Isaiah 61:1-3). He never grows weary or frustrated with us. He is always inviting us into more of Himself. As we know Him better, He restores the blessing. His blessing is perfect for us. He alone can invite and lift us up into all that we are as we rest in all that He is.
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